Bergton, MN, is off the beaten track, but history buffs know it as The Town That Went Too Far, But Not Far Enough, If You Ask Some People. We did not interview those other people, so we can stop before that last comma.
Bergton: a town named for a Berg somewhere, Anyplace, USA. Or, the perfect location for a quiet invasion on US soil. An invasion by…babies. Regular readers will note that we at Why Is a Mouse When It Spins have focused several times on what is known as the “tiny menace.” They are cute, sure, but that is what makes them the very best spies, the most deadly of enemies, and the most horrifying of threats to our way of life.
If we look back, the creeping, crawling invasion is easy to track. The post-war baby boom was the perfect cover under which to launch this infiltration on our great nation. Recent studies have shown that over 45.2% of all US babies born in 1947 were, in fact, spies. The photo at left shows one such baby, put under house arrest for subversive activities.
Sadly, nothing can be done about those spy babies born in earlier, more innocent times. But today, researchers and defense contractors alike strongly advise new parents to watch their children closely for any of the following: signs of communist sympathizing, including willingness to share toys; odd use of language (so-called baby talk may actually be coded reports); or “playing” with satellite technology to contact the Motherland.
It is up to us, the post 9/11 generation, to watch the babies as closely as possible. Watch them. Just look at them. LOOK at them. Only together, standing strong, can we guard against the toddling menace that waits to, first, learn to speak, then, to walk, then one day, to take over our very world.
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I have never been more terrified in my very life.
Baby monitors have been found to be easily hacked and reconfigured, using only saliva and disassembled rattles, to send covert radio reports to agents in adjoining homes.