Fig. 1: Clothesliners

Did you know that there are many different New Year traditions around the world? It might also surprise you that one of the most important of them has been lost to the histories of time, and only recently rediscovered. I am talking, of course, about the Clotheslining of the Bulls in Linningham, NE, a tradition that originated, and ended, in the subject of this week’s True History.

As our nation emerged from the filth and the chaos of the 19th Century, it had a lot of laundry to do. Linningham, NE, was there to do its part in helping with the drying. The foresight of the city planners in planting all trees the optimal distance apart to test clotheslines (12-19 feet), put Linningham in the perfect position to take up the thread of history and accommodate this very specific industry. With such a natural resource at hand, Linningham became synonymous with dryness.

The factory, Charles A. McLinusberg’s Line Shop and Grille, doubled as a small diner. Clotheslines were manufactured Monday through Friday, then tested all weekend by the town housewives. Figure 1 shows a group of women testing the tensile strength of a Linningham Classic. Happy just to be included in such an important effort, they worked in exchange for these top-drawer clotheslines.

A Line on the Future

As with so many cottage industries, the Linningham factory shut down with the emergence of more efficient means of drying clothes, such as laundry services and child labor. Though the factory was put out of business, the diner remains open to this day, and the line cooks are happy to tell you all about their town’s rich lineage.

So, the next time you pick up your laundry from the shop down the street, think of Linningham, the town with a line on the future!

Snakemen of Inslington

Some residents of Inslington believed that Brad and James Sinkla (pictured at left) were the worst kind of neighbors. Those residents simply did not understand what motivated the inventors. Brad and James Sinkla of Inslington, OH, were known as reclusive and off-putting, but one thing was true: the Snakemen of Inslington were the underworld masters in the dog-eat-dog world of snake milling.

Snake milling, as the name suggests, consisted of using snakes to power grist mills. The number of snakes required was very high, and Brad and James spent most of their time capturing the elusive creatures. The rest of their time was spent in reattaching harnesses to the legless reptiles. Despite the inefficiency of their mill, it was completely filled with snakes.

A rift developed between the brothers. James was not swayed by the evident failure of their snake mill, and envisioned a world entirely powered by reptiles. Brad did not share this enthusiasm, and left Inslington shortly after his brother sold all of his flatware to fund his prototype low-emission monitor lizard-powered automobile.

Brad Sinkla opened a cricket shop in Montmormouth, ID, and pioneered the practice of wearing live crickets in the hair and sideburns. James ran for City Council and opened a cheese shop. Both brothers contributed in their own way to the rich, varied history of Inslington.

Fig. 7: Croldmeke, CO, Initial re-angling.

Today’s True History is about Croldmeke, CO, best known as the first town in the nation to challenge gravity’s honor, thanks to its second Mayor, Niall Brainjurts.

He was a devotee of the more controversial gravitational works of experimental geologist and carpentry student Nathaniel Flier, whose belief that increased gravitational pull improved health led to Brainjurts having the entire town of Croldmeke rebuilt at a 25-30 degree angle. In the photo at left, the town gathers for the initial re-angling (Fig. 7).

Though there did not appear to be any ill effect on general health, accidents and injuries increased by 73% after the re-angling. At the urging of mothers and those suffering inner-ear problems, a series of hand-holds, ropes, and pulleys was installed at the city’s expense. Despite this, the majority of Croldmekeans were forced to purchase shims to prop up everything, leading to the legendary Shim Shortage of 1907, popularly known as Ugh Tuesday. Shim prices shot up, putting mom-and-pop shim companies out of business, and bankrupting Stalwart Jim’s Crooked Croldmeke Shim Plant.

Fig. 8: Tourist posing for photo.

As a result of this, the majority of Croldmekean families moved to nearby Plummbaub, CO, and Croldmeke became a ghost town, and little more than a curious footnote in a nation’s rich history.

A small tourist industry thrived there for a short time, as people would come to have their photos taken at the “Crookedest City in the World,” usually holding on to the Croldmeke Straighttree. But this ended almost as soon as it had begun, and tourists realized there were Sand Dunes for that.

In the end, Croldmeke, like so many of the abandoned Colorado towns (Dearfield, Genoa, Glendale), reminds us of men and women who tried to make a difference in the world by carving out a little piece of the American Dream. They carved that piece, and they held onto it for fear of falling down. In the end, maybe they did fall, but they learned something in the process, something about gravity.

America. To many, this word refers to the North American Continent. This landmass is home to more than America, though. Think of Canada, Mexico, and our friends, the Texans. When we speak of the North American Continent, aren’t we really speaking about all of them, and more? And to whom do we owe fealty for this great continental Nation? Many will argue that the Italians discovered America. Some say the French. Still others think that ancient Egyptians were really space aliens. Thankfully, those people have been thoroughly discredited, and their television programs taken off the air.

But who can we thank for the founding of our great country? If you know my work, you know that I have a ready answer: toddlers. Though historians and cryptozoologists have long disputed the existence of the Toddler Immigrant, I believe the photo, below, gives irrefutable proof.

These small immigrants founded our great nation.

Coming from distant lands, such as Babygap, Smallinskia, and Minisidom, the Toddler Immigrant is just one of the small things that makes this Nation large.

Next time you see a toddler, set aside your instant dislike, and instead give a silent thank-you. Without them, you would not be here.

The Old Timers in Marlongville, WI, know a thing or two about “roughing it” in “The Wilds.” Ask them sometime, and they’ll tell you about it. More than likely, they’ll tell you about one particular Spring when it never got warm. That was the Spring of 1981, and it were a cold one, gol’ darn it!

Fig. 3: Marcia Bready, 8

It all began one morning in April. A cold spell the night before had blanketed the tiny community in icy coldness, and with it, snow. The people were bundled in their thickest legwarmers and stirrup pants, and the whole town met at the Community Centre to discuss the problem: the city’s pipes had frozen! This was bad news for Marlongville. With no water, the townsfolk were fearful. They were fearful, and they were thirsty.

Fig. 4: Pump at the outskirts of town

Then, they worked tirelessly for up to two hours to fill bucket after bucket with fresh, pure water. The citizens of Marlongville used that water to make coffee, tea, Crystal Lite™, and to fill up their tobacco-only water pipes. Marcia truly was the hero of the day. In honor of her great contribution, the City Fathers granted her sincere request to be known to all future generations as an 8 year-old girl, for all time.